“Life is a lemon soap and I want my money back.”
Meatloaf(ish)
Roger loved to rock out. Music was his passion and he absolutely loved live shows. A
few years ago when Meatloaf was rolling into Chi town, Roger Rocker had to be there.
Armed with his trusty bic lighter (for the power ballads), his third row floor seats, and full access to the Meatloaf mosh pit, Roger settled in for the big show with his good friend Shirley SingsALots. The show was powerful, like, really good. Roger couldn’t believe he just witnessed one of his icons perform, he was in heaven.
Roger and Shirley hopped in the firebird, hit the highway and headed home after the
show. As Roger rolled up to Shirley’s home, he asked if he might use the restroom and
freshen up a bit before he headed home. Shirley was more than happy to oblige. After
a few moments, Roger emerged from the spare restroom and was in awe. He kept
smelling his hands, they smelled AMAZING. Think sugar cookies with a touch of
vanilla, he had never experienced such an olfactory sensation. On the way out to the
car, Roger couldn’t stop talking about the hand washing experience he just had in
Shirley’s guest restroom. After a quick goodbye, Roger jumped back into the Firebird
and hit the highway.
Amidst all of the excitement, Roger forgot to grab something to eat. He was famished.
And, as he roared down the Interstate, the delightful, sugary sweet smell emanating
from his hands was making the situation even worse. “I smell delicious” Roger thought
to himself, “when I get home, I’m investing in these soaps, every room in the house will celebrate the smells of lemony fresh, or vanilla coffee bean, or even, Peppermint
Chocolate, the sky’s the limit” he thought.” Roger made it home safe and sound,
wolfed down a burger and headed to the Internets. Hi first stop, Amazon. He quickly
searched for the Bath & Body Works soap, found a few on sale, and added about 30 to his cart. He wasn’t playing. This was LIFE-CHANGING.
Later that week, AND, after talking about this luxury buy with his bride, the driver
dropped the goods on his doorstop. Roger rushed outside, opened the package before
he could even get inside and took stock of the bounty in front of him. The excitement to show off his purchase to his wife was building. He grabbed one of the soaps, ran to
their room and pumped some of the soap into his wife’s hand. What was going to be a
tremendous victory and game-changing day in the Rocker household quickly turned to
despair and disappointment. That soap, that thick, luscious, luxurious and delicious
smelling soap was NOT what came out of this container. It was runny, it was boring, it
was so thin that it oozed through her hands. It did not smell like Lemon drops, or
vanilla bean, or anything of the sort. It reeked of desperation. It reeked of being cheap.
Roger was hoodwinked. Flim-Flammed. The search he had done on the Amazon’s
yielded him an imposter soap. A soap that looked VERY similar to the Bath & Body
Works soap on the outside, but was FAR from it on the inside. He was determined to
get to the bottom of this travesty. He quickly punched up the Amazon website,
searched again, scrutinized the bottles, compared and contrasted, and filled his cart
once again. Two days later, the same situation emerged. His soap was NOT the real
McCoy. It was bogus. Roger was fuming. He threw in the online towel and headed up to
the mall, found his soap supplier and rejoiced about the haul he was about to bring
home. Roger once again smells of Sugar Cookie Delight, and sometimes lemon
pleasure, and sometimes peppermint chocolate. The world is his soap oyster and all is
now right with the world.
Folks… Beware when online shopping. Especially in a marketplace like Amazon. There
are imposters who mimic products, charge full price or slightly less and then make
bank off of someone else’s good name. This doesn’t just apply to soap. We’ve seen it
on consumer electronics, computers, phones, tablets, and nearly anything you can buy.
At ASSI, we’ve seen customers being duped into purchasing Dell laptops, desktops, monitors, etc. on Amazon. They are excited to save a few bucks on shipping, on the merchandise itself, etc., only to receive non-genuine Dell products. These products either break down quicker, don’t perform as promised, or are simply junk. As a wise man once said, it doesn’t always pay to be cheap. The best practice here, order your products through an authorized company or directly from the manufacturer itself.
Stay safe out there, and be sure to smell Roger’s hands when you get a chance.
